Sunday, December 31, 2006

Oooooooh! I can get a new belt for my treadmill!

I looked up my treadmill online, and entered the model number. I can order a replacement belt and a replacement owner's manual so I can read how to install the new belt. Yay! The belt is $70.00 and the manual and the tax are $6.00. The shipping? $23.00. Sigh. It's not enough that I have to figure out how to un-build this thing, but hopefully I can install a new belt without hopelessly breaking it (since I did not build it, I don't know how to take it apart).

I don't know. $100.00 is a lot of money that we don't even have right now. Part of me wants to say pbbbbb and throw it away and buy a new one but like I have $500.00 for that? Sigh. Where's a rich fairy godmother when you need one? The diminishment of my tank-sized rear end depends on me having a treadmill.

New Year's Eve!

Here it is, December 31st, 2006. Time for resolutions!

*Keep up with Flylady and maintain the clean house. Keep on decluttering too! I really *don't* need all the crap in my house. I'm not throwing out my crafting stuff, of course. I am talking about old shoes and purses I'll never use again, and too-small clothes for every member of the family that keep on cluttering our closets. Odd socks with no matches? Tossed! Tupperware with no lids? Lids with no bowls? Tossed! Broken toys? Tossed! Games missing pieces? Tossed! et rid of the clutter!

*Take better care of myself. This is all-encompassing, not just about losing weight. I mean make better eating choices and think about what I put in my mouth. Knock off the emotional eating. More water, less soda. Re-wean myself off caffeine. It is like crack, in that it makes me a little nutty. Exercise more. I need to get a new treadmill! Or see if I can get a new belt for the one I shredded. In the meantime, I have an exercise bike. Also, use all of my pampering/grooming products. Scented lotions arent just for taking up space under the bathroom sink! Use them to soften my skin as intended. Take ten minutes in the evening when all is quiet to trim and paint my friggin' nails so I can feel like a girl and not like a mommy-maid-robot who does the same boring things every day. Paint my toenails too. I will feel better about myself by doing little things for me and it will show in my outward attitude toward others.

*Keep up with my crafting projects. Recently I was doing well churning out the crafting projects, be they scrapping, stitching, crocheting or knitting. I want to resume these things because I like to do them. I got a little sidetracked by Christmas but I can get back on track. I have a list of projects for people that are half-finished and need to be completed. I also have set a goal of 365 scrappin' pages to be completed in the next year. I can do a page a day, and this will help me scrap all my pictures!

That's about it for now. I might add more later. Happy New Year, Y'all!

Saturday, December 30, 2006

My first Scrappin' Swap

I signed up to be in a scrapbooking swap, for size 12x12 albums and the theme is dogs. Please tell me what you think of this page border? It is all CM paper, with CM and Xyron adhesive as per the swap rules. I used my Cricut to cut the title letters. I used a CM heart shape maker and a regular hole punch to make the paw print on the tag and I used the CM heart and circle shape makers to make the paper-piecing puppy.

Scrappin' ladies or just regular people who read my blog, let me know what you think!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Thanks to you all

I have been flooded with emails and posts to my blog. Thanks for the support, you all. I appreciate it.

May 18, 1999
Sept 23, 2003
Sept 6, 2004
Nov 10, 2004
Dec 4, 2006

Thanks also for giving me unconditional support. Thank you for not saying that it is G-d's will, or part of a plan. Or that it is a blessing in disguise, because "there was probably something wrong with it" or that "at least you have other children," or "at least you can get pregnant" (as previously said to me by a bonehead). Thanks for just being there.

Why do I have to be the miscarriage chick?

I am miscarrying again today. That's number 5.

It sounds so ordinary, like, "I am going to the store today." It may seem like I am getting used to it, but I'm not that cold. I am just numb. I made quite the little spectacle of myself at the doctor's office. Y'all just didn't see that.

This baby was with me for 5 weeks, 2 days. I found out on Thanksgiving that I was pregnant. I was only 13 days post-ovulation. I was a little early in testing, but I just knew. Something was different, and not like all the other months where I felt different either. It is hard to explain, but Steve felt it too, and we were giddy to see the digital test display read the word "Pregnant." No question about it. I was only 3 weeks, 5 days! So early! We went to his parents house for turkey dinner but said nothing. Because un-telling sucks.

The next morning I called my doctor's office. We calculated my due date (August 4th), and set up a few appointments, one was an intake appointment for 26 December, and the other was January 3rd. We would have heard the heartbeat then.

We carried on as usual. We were in a thick fog of happy disbelief. We have been trying for 3 1/2 years, but this was still kind of unexpected. We have wanted it for so long, but haven't yet achieved it, you know?

The fog successfully kept the paralyzing fear at bay. We talked lightly of baby names. Something maybe not-so-common, but not too out there, and definitely a legitimate name. Nothing made up, and of course, a properly spelled name. But that's my name snobbery running away on me.

Back on topic.

Sunday I began spotting. Tiny dots of purple, which is old, dead blood. I also did that when I carried Katie, so I tried not to be too concerned. But the fear crept in. I took to my bed like a Victorian lady with the vapors.

The tiny dots turned into bigger dots, the dots into smears, and then today, at the doctor's, actual flow. And the color changed from old, dead blood to fresh, red blood. Just like it has in the past.

Part of me isn't surprised because gee, I have wanted a third child for so long, why should this pregnancy be successful? It doesn't matter that I wanted it, I mean, I wanted the other 4 that I lost as well and didn't get to keep them.

But another part of me *is* surprised. I am deficient in progesterone. But I had my suppositories and I used them faithfully, so why??? The doctor said that since I have my progesterone, something else caused it.

So for some reason they do not have my blood type on file. I am RH negative and need me some RhoGam. They drew my blood and are typing it. G-d forbid that they take my word for it, since I have had it eight times now. But no. Liability or someting, like I am some Munchausen nut who like RhoGam shots? Whatever. So I get to return to the office tomorrow for a shot, after my blood has been properly typed.

When I was at the office they also drew blood for a beta. This is to measure how much HCG is in my blood. If it is high, I return every two days for a re-draw and another beta until it drops to a non-pregnant level. If it is low, I just stay home. I will be calling in a few minutes to see if they know my beta yet.

Both the doctor and the lab tech tried to be optimistic, saying we could get good news from this beta. In other words I could still be pregnant. Yeah, thanks for the optimism but I am not holding out hope. My boobs don't hurt any more and I am bleeding, people. The doctor seems to thnk that because I have only had a few minutes of cramping that it could be nothing.

I have begged G-d for 4, now 5 healthy pregnancies. I didn't get the other 4, and I am not holding out hope for a Christmas miracle. Sigh. I just called the lab and my beta is still pending. So I get to call back in the morning and see if my beta is done, and whether or not my blood has been typed.

So it's not official yet. The long, drawn out answer seems cruel, especially if I were the hopeful type. But I am pretty sure that I am miscarrying. Just thought you all might want to know.