Sunday, June 22, 2008

One more thing

I know I said I needed to pump but I also said every time I have a topic I have no time. So the pumping can wait.

I went and saw the Sex and the City movie even though I have never seen the show. Me, Meghan and Paulette went out to eat, had a Cosmo and saw the movie. I liked it. The show had never interested me before, but it was on today and I caught it. It was nice, brainless TV. Meaning I didn't have to invest myself in it and pay close attention.

I was a bit confused because I saw Carrie with two different men and in the movie she was just with one of them, and also Charlotte appears to be married to someone else. I guess they used a different actor? I don't know. But in the show Charlotte discovers she is infertile just as Miranda discovers she is pregnant. That part of the show hooked me right in and I felt a pang. It has been hanging around all day. I told Steve that I felt out of sorts and didn't know quite why. I felt restless.

Then I noticed that there are pregnancy test commercials every ten minutes and it was irking me. I was reading something online and it put me in tears for no real reason other than it was pregnancy-related. I don't know. We are done having babies. Or at least, Steve is. I wouldn't mind another baby in a few years. But Steve is done and he says that when I am sad over the "no more babies" thing it makes him feel like an asshole. Like I set out out make him feel that way? Let me squash up my sadness into a box and shove it into my mental attic, for his ease and comfort. *insert eyeroll here*

I don't know. I am just looking at, say, 15 years of fertility to avoid. And my body does not tolerate hormones. And I would like another baby. The prospect of moving got me all excited and put this on the back burner for a little while but it is creeping back, and so is the sadness. I don't know how to make it go away. I do my daily activities, I clean, I cook, I parent. I play with and enjoy my kids. I have my hobbies. But it is always there. :-(

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